Damaged GoodsWhat is it?
Is it a heart break? Is it the death of a loved one? Is it a scraped knee? Pain. Am I the only one who has trouble with the definition of the word? Do I cry when I fall—no. I hold it in. I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t have a soul. I was taught by society not to have emotions. Like a “real man”. I guess it’s easier, pushing the pain back. I’m so used to pushing pain back, I can no longer feel it. I think I'm damaged goods. I think too much. Maybe I just need to shut up. Or is this how everyone feels? Am I alone in this world? Because the pain of this is unbearable. All Eyes On MeRunning
hot fiery place, Hell. That’s how it felt, Society’s a spider, a billion eyes on you. Judging you. I can only imagine them looking at my fat. I know I'm overweight but that’s no excuse. Their glances of judgment, pierce me like a bow shoots its arrow into an innocent deer. Back and forth, back and forth, theirs eyes follow the sway of my skin. I peer at my phone, to ignore this cruel and judgmental world. Ding Ding Ding A message from society to me. Your life has no meaning, your family is dying off. You cannot cry nor stress because you must be strong like a “man” should. This is the last straw. For me at least, My mind spins, suicide or a mental disorder. Something will snap. I will become a different being. An angel or demon. I will be changed. But you will not care. You will carry on. -to the class prompt metaphor Self Conceded, SurroundedBehind Those Grand CurtainsEarly in childhood
1st grade and on to be exact I’ve participated in the arts of musical theater. I’ve been praised… But also shamed. I’ve fallen on my butt several times, and split my pants more than once. I’ve learned, no matter how loose the pants are there’s always a chance to bust a seam. Not only in the back. But in the front! This is my other life. A place to escape, be myself. A person who loves to dance and sing. Be a goof ball, professional, diva. I see those velvet curtains, heavy and dripping from the weight. Open, I see the crowd of people, come to see us perform. The cheering-- gives you an adrenaline rush as much as a roller-coaster. The music begins, first with strings, then brass, the voices protrude. It begins. The show goes on, the room is silent, except the occasional group of laughter. Adrenalin lowers, your coming close. The end of the show. Again those velvet curtains close. We are all that is left behind, those grand curtains -to the class prompt place |
The Dream Still Remembered
I’ve told people of this dream,
many times. It was so realistic… I still remember it. Clearly, as if I haven’t aged a bit. The last time I saw you, in my dream, alive and happy. Awoke me at the strike of midnight. No goodbye. Never able to watch Scooby Doo, just one more time. Dreams became reality that day. Walking into the cold sterile room. No plush carpet, nor old dogs or cats, the kind that would snap at you if you came to close. No. Dead. Just a lifeless cadaver. A man. Once full of dreams and love. A lifeless cadaver everyone knew. He loved you so much they’d say You know you were his, little man. His little man. His nickname for his great-grand child whom he loved so. I love you, GrandmaI have kissed you goodbye many times.
I did not expect to say goodbye for the last time this past Saturday. Irene Joyce Fellner. The women who earned many names. Mother, Grandma, Friend, Wife or as some would like to call her “Snookie”. You were loved and cherished by many, even to this day will be forever on. You taught me so many things… Like to be myself and live my life. You should not pay attention to the words of strangers I love you so much. I will miss your kind smile, goofy laugh, and silly sense of humor. You always put others before yourself. Whether you had all the money in the world or you were on your last dollar from that month’s paycheck. You were support and glue of our family. You loved all your children but some would argue you loved your grandchildren the most. I say the great-grandchildren held that special place in your heart. I knew that for sure. You were there for all of my performances. Bright memories flood back. Grandma always getting me my favorite breakfast. The old style bacon, egg, and cheese croissant from Burger King with their circular hash browns. I remember our cruises in the old low riding Chevy car, the only way I would go to sleep. Always knowing you would do anything to keep me happy. I am so sad to be here without you by my side I will do anything to hear your voice. I was searching on my phone. I found this voicemail “Tait this is Grandma Fellner and I just wanted to know how you feel and I want to know how school is this year so when you get time you just call grandma ok, I’ll always be here, for a while anyhow,” as she trailed off her thought, with a giggle. Not IdealMy first kiss,
was… Not what I expected. Not even with the desired sex. I didn’t know what sex I liked in first grade, --I had a felling it wasn’t girls. I didn’t want to kiss her. It taught me something, Be aware of my surroundings. If you’re not, you can get some unwanted attention… Even without knowing I flirted, I was a foolish 1st grader. This girl, Eva she threatened that if I poked the hole in the bus chair I would be kissed. Did I believe her? No. Look what that brought me. Was this really a kiss? Was this just kiddie love? I’d like to believe there’s a difference. |